We’ve been lucky enough to have Chella Man be a part of them. since the earliest days of our publication, and give him space to do what he does best: fearlessly capture what it means to be himself. Through art, writing, and self-documentation, the 21-year-old artist and actor has given the world an unreserved glimpse into the most intimate aspects of his transition, and his journey as a transmasculine, deaf, and genderqueer person of color.
Along every step of the way has been MaryV Benoit, Chella’s partner and an artist and photographer who has documented their relationship with equally piercing insight. Watching them grow together as creators and people in love has been a captivating, tender experience, one that’s given thousands a better understanding of how transitioning can strengthen and enrich a relationship like theirs’. And watching Chella grow into the rising star he is today — making history as Jericho on the DC Universe show Titans, between a booming modeling and art career — has made the adventure that much more exciting.
To celebrate their relationship and glean the kinds of insights we can’t see on social media, we sent MaryV a list of questions about love to ask Chella. His answers reveal deep ideas about the role that chosen family, fluidity, and comfort with change play in queer relationships, with takeaways that can strengthen any partnership, no matter how you identify.
What does queer love mean to you? What makes it different from other kinds of love?
For me and for us, it means that we've had to become comfortable with adaptation, with fluidity, and with changes in our sexuality — all of that is on a continuum, and we have had to understand that and work with each other and within our own relationship knowing that. At least right now, I feel like queer love is all about understanding and working with adaptation.
Are there things about our relationship you wish you could change or redo? Things you wouldn’t?
There’s nothing I would change or undo about our relationship, because we have such open communication and complete and total honesty all the time, which is a key foundation that we've always continuously practiced.
Something I always think was really important with us was that when I realized that I wanted to transition on testosterone and get top surgery, I knew that I would be going through a lot emotionally and physically. I knew you being there would put a lot of pressure on our relationship and just you in general. And so I wanted to offer you an out — that’s the word that I used then.
I think it's very important to note that when you are going through a transition — any transition, whether it be gender or just like a life transition. You have to acknowledge the emotional turmoil that you are about to endure will affect your partner. And it's only fair to let them know upfront that that's going to come, and ask if they want to stick around, because they have every right to say no and go off on a different path, because it's hard. Things get heavy.
I said, "MaryV, things are about to get hard. I know this is what I want, but do not feel pressured at all to be there for it. I completely understand if you need to take a break from us because this is something I have to do. Me having to do it doesn't mean that you have to stick around for it.” But you (being the angel that you are) did, and I'll never forget that, which you know. I would absolutely never change that. Also, it's not the only time I offered you that. I've offered it throughout our relationship at different points and you offered me the same. I think, when you're going through something, it's important to remember what is your responsibility and what is not your partner's responsibility.
Yeah, I agree. I feel like, when people ask me for advice, a lot of stories start out with the partner who is in transition putting so much responsibility on the other person, and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, you must be so exhausted because this other person is putting so much on you."
I mean, I understand, because when you become so clouded by gender dysphoria and intense emotions you can't think clearly. It's just a hard situation, but it's really important to at least try to remember.
Who was your first love?
MaryV just finger spelled ASL to me. The name of my first dog, which is true. But I mean, I don't know. We've had such dynamic conversations about love, and how you can fall in love with people for a second or a minute. I’m thinking about these girls that I was infatuated with in middle school for short periods of time, like this blonde girl that would always pass on the playground in third grade. Was I in love with her? Was she my first love? I don't know. I never talked to her. That would be scary as hell. But could it have been love? What qualifies love as true love? I don't know the answer to that question because I think there's been so many people. But MaryV has definitely been the greatest of them all.
Aww. Okay — what does self-love mean to you?
This has been something that's been on my mind for all of 2019, because I had a moment in 2019 to slow down — it was the first time since I left home in Pennsylvania for college. Self-love for me has been about realizing that you are not what you give. That’s not the whole definition to me, but it’s part of it. I have to remember that what I put out and give to this world is very important, and I do need to think about that at all times, but I'm also more than that. I'm not just that. Another facet of self-love I've learned is that resting can be productive. I'm still trying to learn that. I think within capitalism you are taught you should only feel accomplished when you are going to operate as a machine. It's important to unlearn that and I'm still working on that.
Yeah, because that's so scary.
It's so scary. And most people don't even have the privilege to rest.
Self-love is also, for me, understanding that I can't fight everyone's battles at all times. I feel a lot of responsibility online a lot — of course, being a visible person, anyone does. I really truly want to do as much as I can with my platform, but at the same time I have to remember it's impossible to help everyone and I need to be in a good mentality myself before I try to help other people or things are just going to backfire. And that's something I've learned over this past year.
How does self-love differ for queer people? And what does self-love mean for us specifically?
We have to remember to find affirmation within our own chosen families, because most of the time, the outside world and society don’t operate in a way that gives that to us. Not just queer people, but anyone who has faced discrimination. And they don’t operate in a way that understands the importance of what we have to say and what we want to put out in the world. Our chosen family and those that we surround ourselves with, who understand our experiences, they will understand. And I think we can practice self-love by sharing more of ourselves within our own communities and remembering that everything we have to say is important and valid and has weight to it. Not everyone will understand that, and that's okay. But to be able to find a place to share our hearts in a productive way.
Interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
Photographer: Molly Matalon
Stylist: Ian Bradley
Makeup: Andrew Colvin using Nars Cosmetics
Hair: Ledora Francis
Prop Stylist: Megan Kiantos
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